Parenting: A Humbling Experience
© December 3, 2000
Section One: Introduction
It is with some considerable reluctance that I offer my thoughts this morning
on parenting. There are several reasons for this reluctance. First, I am
concerned that I may inadvertently contribute to a polarization between those
of us who are parents and those of us who are not. I have learned that such
polarizations are seldom helpful in the long run. Instead of polarization,
it is my hope that my words could somehow contribute to a better understanding
by non-parents, of some of the difficulties that parents face. I am also
hopeful that my words might in some way be encouraging to parents to persevere,
whether that means learning some new lesson, or if it simply means to muddle
through another day.
Secondly, I am reluctant because I have often found that adults who are not parents are tired of hearing things like: ?Having kids will change your life,? or ?Parenting is the most important job in the world,? or ?Our children are our future.? They also tire of hearing detailed stories about diaper brands, or the advantages and disadvantages of various toys for educational vs. recreational usage. They may even be tired of hearing all the ?firsts? of a baby or toddler, like the first complete sentence, the first steps, the first click of a mouse, or even the first ?raspberry.? They may even tire of reading those long lists of the various expertises that parents have to have, you know lists like teacher, maintenance person, counselor, therapist, scheduler, chauffer, housekeeper, interior decorator, etc.
At this point, however, I must make transparent my own beliefs as a parent. I do honestly believe that non-parents cannot really understand what parents go through. So even though it sounds like a clich?, I think it is accurate, partly because parents were all non-parents at one time, and we can remember that we did not understand it before we became parents. (Not that we actually understand it now, but we know that we were way off base when we were non-parents.) I have considered the possibility that there are some non-parents who do really understand, but I don?t think so.
This is where I must also clarify what I mean by parents for the sake of this discussion. I am talking about men or women who are intimately involved in the day-to-day looking after of children and are singularly responsible for that charge. So certainly there are people who meet this definition who are not biological parents, and there are others who would meet this definition who have no legal claim to parenting. There are also biological legal parents who would not qualify for this definition. One of the biggest changes in our society in the last couple of decades is that more males have become intimately engaged in the day-to-day rearing of children, and I suspect that the effects of this change will be widespread. But that is a topic, perhaps, for another talk
(I am tempted at this point to launch off into a discussion of ethics, and re-visit the ongoing debate between ethicists who emphasize principles as the ground of ethics, such as Kant or our very own (Unitarian) John Stuart Mills, and others, especially feminist ethicists such as Carol Gilligan or Virginia Held who want to include relationship on the ground floor as well. But I will resist the temptation, except to note that although Kant and Mills may have been biological parents and may have followed the customs of their culture as to the proper role of a father, they probably would not fit my working definition as I stated previously.)
And so, with all these reservations, why would I decide to stand up here and give a talk entitled: ?Parenting: A Humbling Experience?? I do so because I want to attempt to bridge the gap between parents and non-parents. And I want to enlist support and help from non-parents. This church cannot easily escape the influence, activity, and contributions of our children. I don?t think that we have any villages left, but as a parent, I would certainly welcome the idea of this church community helping to raise my children.
So there are two things I would like to focus on in the remainder of this talk: first to share some stories and experiences that underline the humbling part of parenting, and secondly to offer some suggestions on how to be helpful when interacting with other people?s children.
Section Two: Stories and Experiences
Before I became a parent I had a certain arrogance about myself and my abilities. I was intelligent and resourceful, and I usually excelled in those things with which I chose to spend my time. I also had the luxury of not engaging in those activities at which I was not so good. One was golf. My father liked to golf, and he tried to teach me. I was horrible at it, and after some frustrating experiences with it, I quit. I tried again a few years ago due to the influence of Mike Duncan, but I was just as horrible, and I quit again. And that was O.K.
But of course, one cannot quit the job of parenting. One of the really humbling things about parenting is that no one really excels at it. As parents, we may have moments when we excel, but such experiences are not, I believe, sustainable. This is precisely because the demands of parenting never let up. For those of you who are not parents, try to imagine a job that never lets up, that you are often not very good at, and from which you ultimately do not have the option of quitting.
The aspect of never letting up is an important one I think. There are different aspects of this. One has to do with a longitudinal view. As parents we try to tell ourselves, well when he gets into high school, it will let up a little, or when she turns 18, I can let go. But it seems that kids don?t leave home at 18 anymore, and even if they do we never stop being parents.
Another aspect of the never letting up thing is especially important for parents of infants and small children. I am so many years away from that experience that I probably will minimize the reality of this. I has to do with attention and time. Literally, your time no longer belongs to you when you are caring for infants and small children.
(At this point I shared a story of my son Jamie and a near-accident which occurred when he was an infant and I was giving him a bath.)
Children seem to have two main jobs. The first is to grow up and the second is to push the buttons of their parents. You know what I mean by buttons? Those places within us where we have some unresolved issues, and where if that button gets pushed we will get very upset? Somehow children seem to have an uncanny ability to find those buttons and push them whenever thy get the chance, and it is usually during especially inopportune times.
(At this point I shared a story of my son Danny coaching me to ?calm down? after one of my buttons got pushed by one of my daughters.)
What works for one child will probably not work for another. What works for one child today, may not work tomorrow. Whenever we think that we have it worked out, the situation changes.
Another aspect related to this has to do with what happens when you have more than one child. There are issues of competition, and with being stretched to one?s limit that are very difficult. And again the issue of ?screwing up? is strong as there will definitely be times when a parent chooses the needs of one child over the needs of another. This is a hard one to deal with and it relates to what I spoke of earlier in terms of making lots of mistakes.
Section three: Do's and Don'ts
Do treat children with the same respect that you would treat an adult from another culture. (Children are in a very real way, members of a different culture than us adults.)
Do believe a parent when he or she tells you that they do not have the time or energy to do something.
(Imagine you have an adult friend who is a resident at one of our local hospitals, and works 20 hour shifts, and studies whenever he or she gets an extra moment. If this person told you ?no? about some request, would you make allowances for this person?) Think of parents the same way, especially parents of very small children.
Do respect your own limits, and define those limits to children clearly, simply, respectfully and directly. ?Please do not sit on my lap right now.? ?I?m not O.K. with you grabbing the microphone like that. Please stop.? ?If you are not willing to do the activity, you will have to go back to your parent.?
Do respect a parent?s call regarding interactions with the children. One issue that comes up a lot is interruptions. It is a subtle art for a parent to know when to allow a child to interrupt an adult conversation, and when to ask the child to wait, or go away. The experience of crisis is often very different for children than adults, and the age and maturity level of the child makes a huge difference as well. The parent has to weigh the present situation as well as what possible effects in the future.
And now for the don'ts.
Don?t undermine the authority of a parent.
Don?t make judgments about parents.(Mother blaming or parent blaming is a very popular pasttime in our culture, but it is, in my view, never helpful.)
Don?t talk about disruptive children amongst yourselves in earshot of the parents.
Don?t reinforce or reward a behavior of a child that you are distressed by. An example would be to comment on how cute a child is when he or she is doing something that you would like him or her to stop doing.
Don?t expect children to think or act the same as adults.
Section Four: Conclusion
In conclusion, I present all of us with a challenge. Let?s, first of all, work on being clear, honest, direct, and respectful to the children of this community. But let?s not stop there. Let?s work on doing the same for each other. I think that one of the skills that we do not practice enough in this church community is challenging each other. Tolerance is actually fairly easy. We can learn to tolerate almost anything. But one of our goals is ?to learn from, empathize with, and encourage people in their personal spiritual quest.? How do we go about doing that? I think that it may at times involve challenging each other to do better, to be better people. Is it possible that we are too afraid to hurt each other?s feelings? I know that people?s feelings get hurt sometimes, and there are past members who have reportedly left our community because of getting their feelings hurt. So, naturally we are shy about challenging each other because feelings could get hurt. But I would ask another question. Is it possible that we have lost members because they were not challenged enough? How do we get a balance? I don?t know the answer to that.
But I am wondering if we could learn some lessons from children and from parents. It is impossible to live intimately with children and look after them without experiencing, witnessing, and sometimes causing the hurting of feelings. What do we instinctively do? We comfort the person who has hurt feelings, and we try to get the offending party to say he or she is sorry and to make up. Have we forgotten these important skills that we keep trying to teach our children? Do we ever try to convince our children that their feelings will never get hurt again? Of course not. So shouldn?t the same thing apply to us adults?
So how might our community look different or be different if we began to challenge each other a little more, respectfully, honestly and clearly? I would invite each of you to think of an incident where you were upset, however, slightly, by something that an adult in our community did or didn?t do. Now think about whether this incident still bothers you. If so, is there anything you could do, in a respectful honest clear way to deal with this incident differently today? You may decide that it is best to let it go. You may decide that the next time it comes up you will try to respond differently. Or you might decide that you had better do something right now about it because it is standing in the way of your or someone else?s personal spiritual quest.
That?s all I have to say for now as I am really interested in what you all have to say and want to leave some time and space for a talk-back.
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